There's a reason why people baptize in water, in oceans, lakes and streams. There's a reason so many people migrate to the coast. In many a zombie film, protagonists at some point always flee toward the ocean. Fahrenheit 451 or some book I read once had people surviving a great fire by jumping into the sea...or maybe that was just some Schwartzenegger movie.
We are all called at some point to this great comfort, this great Mother; soothing, vast and terrifying. The sea runs through my blood. My very veins. My Father swam, dove and snorkeled all of his youth. I've never felt comfort anywhere in this world without the ocean on my left hand side. From my very beginnings my Dad taught me to love and respect the water. It's funny, sitting sea side right now I realize that when I began to hate and fear and loathe myself so young, that was when I lost the love of the Pacific and began to fear going into its depths.
The hardest thing in the world is to admit that moment when you realize that things aren't working out: careers, belief, relationships. Our Nature is to try so hard to save this creation you've built. All my life it seems as though I've been listening to others opinions of me. Not always bad. Sometimes people do genuinely have my well being in mind. I've read hundreds of self-help books and dozens of spiritual texts that all point back to the same thing: self love.
I was told that I was an "ineffective communicator" and that I didn't have what it took to do what I love to do. Told to me by people who bully me, for lack of a better term. It's a complicated story, for my part, I take in to account my own personal responsibility and have been trying to make up for it since. At this point the punishment no longer fits the misdemeanor. I was awake at night internalizing all of the things said and cards on the table until I realized I finally had to stop. I'm extremely cruel with myself in my pursuit for personal perfection. I can shut myself off from others because I don't want to hurt anyone with my inner ugliness.
I was driving home after a long, crying, soul pouring conversation with my Mother about this situation. I looked at my eyes in the rear view mirror and I knew this must stop, now. A dear friend of mine advised me long ago to "always look after #1." I thought to myself, "how do I not internalize an comment said by a person of 'power' (especially when in my heart and mind I know it's an unsubstantiated lie), when all I want to do is not make waves?" Who will stand up for me if I refuse to stand up for myself?
I'm at peace here burying my feet in the sand trying to shed this break-up like feeling of sadness and regrets. Things are falling into place. Intuitively your gut will tell you when it's time to go. Your stomach will tell you there is something terribly wrong. I have to listen. Surrender to this tide- the ebb and flow, trust in the Great Mother. Maybe she doesn't have your back today. Maybe you've got to practically drown yourself to learn to swim or maybe that's all part of the lesson- learn to surf the waves.
Xo,
J
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