Like a good book I can't put this day back.

"Yemaya, Blessed Mother of the Seas, Let your Sacred Waters wash over me"

  There's a reason why people baptize in water, in oceans, lakes and streams. There's a reason so many people migrate to the coast. In many a zombie film, protagonists at some point always flee toward the ocean. Fahrenheit 451 or some book I read once had people surviving a great fire by jumping into the sea...or maybe that was just some Schwartzenegger movie. 

  We are all called at some point to this great comfort, this great Mother; soothing, vast and terrifying. The sea runs through my blood. My very veins. My Father swam, dove and snorkeled all of his youth. I've never felt comfort anywhere in this world without the ocean on my left hand side. From my very beginnings my Dad taught me to love and respect the water. It's funny, sitting sea side right now I realize that when I began to hate and fear and loathe myself so young, that was when I lost the love of the Pacific and began to fear going into its depths. 

  The hardest thing in the world is to admit that moment when you realize that things aren't working out: careers, belief, relationships. Our Nature is to try so hard to save this creation you've built. All my life it seems as though I've been listening to others opinions of me. Not always bad. Sometimes people do genuinely have my well being in mind. I've read hundreds of self-help books and dozens of spiritual texts that all point back to the same thing: self love.  

  I was told that I was an "ineffective communicator" and that I didn't have what it took to do what I love to do. Told to me by people who bully me, for lack of a better term. It's a complicated story, for my part, I take in to account my own personal responsibility and have been trying to make up for it since. At this point the punishment no longer fits the misdemeanor.  I was awake at night internalizing all of the things said and cards on the table until I realized I finally had to stop. I'm extremely cruel with myself in my pursuit for personal perfection. I can shut myself off from others because I don't want to hurt anyone with my inner ugliness.  

  I was driving home after a long, crying, soul pouring conversation with my Mother about this situation. I looked at my eyes in the rear view mirror and I knew this must stop, now. A dear friend of mine advised me long ago to "always look after #1." I thought to myself, "how do I not internalize an comment said by a person of 'power' (especially when in my heart and mind I know it's an unsubstantiated lie), when all I want to do is not make waves?" Who will stand up for me if I refuse to stand up for myself?

  I'm at peace here burying my feet in the sand trying to shed this break-up like feeling of sadness and regrets. Things are falling into place. Intuitively your gut will tell you when it's time to go. Your stomach will tell you there is something terribly wrong. I have to listen. Surrender to this tide- the ebb and flow, trust in the Great Mother. Maybe she doesn't have your back today. Maybe you've got to practically drown yourself to learn to swim or maybe that's all part of the lesson- learn to surf the waves. 

Xo, 

J

she who sees til the end

 The blood of youngs

first blush of love:

Beauty, bled and borne

from photographs

            now faded

                from heavens eye. 

            But oh, how once the angels wept

                to see the spell of

                  tumultuous

                    tragic

                    touching

              Lovers,

so under magic, "by the book"

that only the world turned for them. 

Now it stops to remember the 

flush and texture

of what once was,

but never again the prick. 

My heart is sick of being in chains.

  

I'd like to talk about breasts for a minute. Something on my mind, something is going on with mine, and I have an appointment with the Doctor soon which in the wake of Angelina chopping hers off makes everything more frightening. Louise Hay and other well known authors say that the breasts house nourishment within the body mind. When something is going on we are to look at the lack of nourishment in your life. I giggle because it's kind of a no brainer for me. Most of the time I feel like a bleeding heart putting everyone and everything out for others while second handedly attending to my own needs. 

Sound like anyone you know??

On this plane I think I relate to most women in the US. I think it may start from the ground up. I giggle when I read things that talk about how uncomfortable 50's lingerie was. Well I've as yet to wear a bra that doesn't leave marks that leave me rubbing sore ribs at night and yes I've been fitted. We rig ourselves out binding, pushing up, relentlessly exercising so that we can have firm asses and bellies to tuck into skinny jeans. Regardless of your body type supposedly this must happen. Then buy the expensive clothes and the cell phone cover. Don't poop in the public or work restroom (people might know you do that) wait til you get home. Accept that date with the cute guy you've been eyeing, lord knows you need a new dress and shoes for that. And still have money left over for room, board and play even though the dude sitting next to you at work makes more money than you do for less work, but we won't talk about that now. After that and only after that make sure you find time to nourish your hopes, dreams, and inner most desires. Or just read 50 shades of Grey and tell your friends that you did.

I'm exhausted just typing that. But really, I find it all a tiring illusion. I'm so guilty of telling myself that I'm going to have more patience with myself and do more things for me. Then I find when I do them I'm always thinking about what I must do or who may need me. I've found that as a woman it is so important to feel needed. How do we show ourselves that we are needed? I can talk about nourishing the self but how does one even begin to do that?? How do we beat back years, decades of programming?? 

Turn toward the Goddess within.

The one who trusts herself. The one who was here long before our iPads and instant coffee.  The moon must receive the nourishment of the tide, pulling it towards her before she can release it out. It is a cycle within and throughout. A butterfly effect. 

A lifestyle that I wish to choose and adopt that goes against every Catholic tenant, and Young Miss lesson that I grew up with:

It's ok to be a little selfish, it's ok to be a little vain. Think of it as self preservation. 

I'm sure you cringe as you read that but think about it, really think about it with an open mind and see how your future self may change. Healthier breasts?? 😉

Wash your own hair before you use it to wash someone's feet. Or how about teaching them to wash them themselves. 

Peace,

J

 

this is not really happening/You bet your life it is.

There's a new moon tonight and with it I'm trying a new beginning. I've put myself on a strict gluten free diet. I've suspected I had a sensitivity to wheat for awhile and I'm thrilled at the results. My energy is amazing and I can finally breathe freely through my nose. I'm scouring the web for new recipes both raw and gluten free vegan, any suggestions??

I'm trying to focus on my body in a much more positive way than I ever have before. I turn 30 this year and while the number doesn't shame me or anything, I've decided that 20 years is too long to live without really living within a strong body/mind connection. I'm meditating more, starting yoga again and dancing and singing like no one is watching.  

I just finished 'The Great Gatsby' (novel) and was inspired by the final words:

 “So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.”

Now is never too late to forgive your past mistakes and live. 

  

Eat Locally, Drink Pleasurably, and Be Merry

  

  I'm currently reading the book Animal, Vegetable, Miracle by Barbara Kingsolver and it's a tremendous read. About 7 or 8 years ago I was turned onto the diet book French Women Don't Get Fat , which opened my eyes to seasonal eating. I lost the most weight I had ever lost at any one time. Not only that, but i felt healthy and vibrant, like i could rock the world. I kept it up almost a year before "life" happened and my diet turned processed again. I still try to eat mostly vegan. I've never been much of a meat eater.  Now though, I'm looking more into lowering my own personal carbon print as opposed to my jean size. I want to leave a larger social/spiritual print. 

  I live in California in a hipster area. I suppose if all of us could we'd all be, if not vegans, local seasonal eaters. I love the thought of buying food straight from the farm less than 20 miles away or if I wished to eat meat, it would come from a farm that I could visit and watch the cow graze. This is how we are meant to be. Meant to live. But the sad truth is it seems as though we have become a society of instant gratification. Our food culture is no exception: "If I want a pineapple in December damn it I'm gonna have a pineapple. I don't feel like waiting until March." We don't think anymore about how pleasurable something is if we wait all year to get it and finally receive it; or put hard work into actually growing something ourselves. We can get everything we want at a click of a button. No wonder we are all depressed. Bored and depressed and eating synthetic food. It sounds like a Brave New World because it is. 

  I was walking through the "cool kid" part of my town, looking at the different restaurant menus and I thought to myself, "when the hell did organic fruits, kale, spinach, free range eggs, etc, etc, become 'artisan?' I am supposed to be eating this at every meal." In my area local organic products cost a ton. When did we decide that we as a people were ok with this? Can you imagine if Italians raised the price on tomatoes at the market saying "no, no, these items are artisan now, they cost more?" Italians would take to the streets. I've been to Italy I've seen their protests. Why are we just ok with this? The machine, or whatever overcharging us for taking control of our health.

   Kingsolver saw it in her book as well: "...this cuisine is widely presumed to be the property of the elite." She then goes on to mention that poverty is the real problem behind hunger in the world and not lack. It shouldn't be this way. Nutrition is a basic human need and right. And Facebook likes and chain emails/posts aren't going to fix this. Not even this blog will. Change can't happen through your phone away from the action. The powers that be bank on our couch potato-y-ness, believe me, look at the glitter problems they dangle on the national new for us to worry about instead (oh yeah, don't call a pregnant Kardashian fat that's sexest and body dismorphism blah blah blah).We as a people need to take action. We need to tell our representatives we don't want gmo's, we need to eat locally, visit farmers market and stop the pretension that is coming with natural food. So your food is made from organic material, yeah, every damn restaurant in town should be too. Please don't turn an unwaxed apple that's been grown on a tree in season into a friggin Lexus that is only meant to be eaten by Zoe Deshanel. No one is going to fight for our right to thrive as the 99% we have to be responsible for ourselves. 

For love and food inspiration check out Ms. Dara Dubinet's youtube channel. 

Peace and Strength 

  J

For she who will not see...

 

In the rise of the new young women I see the regression of our climb.

  Blood red nails and tight dresses, our silicone exposed,

   our throats moaning to the same hysteric cries

     our S Plath savior died for.  

Now we don aprons and pin ourselves into fairytales so afraid to leave the confines of our phone. 

  We sit and watch utube, unabashed we have so much to say 

          yet still do nothing. 

We know in our hearts though that when he does it to her

     he does it to all of us. 

We trust in the lies we were fed: mainly not to trust in one another. 

For what is there more powerful than us 

    who rise with tides together as one. 

Always tomorrow...

  I don't know if anyone else has did this but, at the begining of each year in Jr. High and High School I would come up with a theme for myself; a plan for how I wanted each year to go and how I would represent myself. The older I get the more I acknowledge that yes, teenage hood sucked but it was the time for my most creative freedom. 

  Every year before the start of term I would decide what style I would have. I'd make up outfits in my head that later I would manifest. I'd pick social goals for the year, like "I want to attend my first house party" or "I want to be in a play" or " I want my crush to think I'm sexy." I'd never have to write them down I just kept them. I'd like to get back into this habit. I'm relearning that there's nothing wrong with wanting to have goals for yourself and play with your image.

   How do you want people to see you??

  Change the way you see yourself! 

  We are all open canvases, there is no future yet there is only now and the little things that we can do for ourselves and others. Sure society or pop culture may seem like it's pressuring you to be another brick in the wall but it doesn't have to be that way. Deciding for yourself who you want to be and what you want to do (things that will make you happy not other's goals as you see them) for the next year, month or even the next day, can give you a sense of timelessness and "there's always tomorrow" that can be very refreshing and even relaxing once you get the hang of it.