Like a good book I can't put this day back.

"Yemaya, Blessed Mother of the Seas, Let your Sacred Waters wash over me"

  There's a reason why people baptize in water, in oceans, lakes and streams. There's a reason so many people migrate to the coast. In many a zombie film, protagonists at some point always flee toward the ocean. Fahrenheit 451 or some book I read once had people surviving a great fire by jumping into the sea...or maybe that was just some Schwartzenegger movie. 

  We are all called at some point to this great comfort, this great Mother; soothing, vast and terrifying. The sea runs through my blood. My very veins. My Father swam, dove and snorkeled all of his youth. I've never felt comfort anywhere in this world without the ocean on my left hand side. From my very beginnings my Dad taught me to love and respect the water. It's funny, sitting sea side right now I realize that when I began to hate and fear and loathe myself so young, that was when I lost the love of the Pacific and began to fear going into its depths. 

  The hardest thing in the world is to admit that moment when you realize that things aren't working out: careers, belief, relationships. Our Nature is to try so hard to save this creation you've built. All my life it seems as though I've been listening to others opinions of me. Not always bad. Sometimes people do genuinely have my well being in mind. I've read hundreds of self-help books and dozens of spiritual texts that all point back to the same thing: self love.  

  I was told that I was an "ineffective communicator" and that I didn't have what it took to do what I love to do. Told to me by people who bully me, for lack of a better term. It's a complicated story, for my part, I take in to account my own personal responsibility and have been trying to make up for it since. At this point the punishment no longer fits the misdemeanor.  I was awake at night internalizing all of the things said and cards on the table until I realized I finally had to stop. I'm extremely cruel with myself in my pursuit for personal perfection. I can shut myself off from others because I don't want to hurt anyone with my inner ugliness.  

  I was driving home after a long, crying, soul pouring conversation with my Mother about this situation. I looked at my eyes in the rear view mirror and I knew this must stop, now. A dear friend of mine advised me long ago to "always look after #1." I thought to myself, "how do I not internalize an comment said by a person of 'power' (especially when in my heart and mind I know it's an unsubstantiated lie), when all I want to do is not make waves?" Who will stand up for me if I refuse to stand up for myself?

  I'm at peace here burying my feet in the sand trying to shed this break-up like feeling of sadness and regrets. Things are falling into place. Intuitively your gut will tell you when it's time to go. Your stomach will tell you there is something terribly wrong. I have to listen. Surrender to this tide- the ebb and flow, trust in the Great Mother. Maybe she doesn't have your back today. Maybe you've got to practically drown yourself to learn to swim or maybe that's all part of the lesson- learn to surf the waves. 

Xo, 

J

this is not really happening/You bet your life it is.

There's a new moon tonight and with it I'm trying a new beginning. I've put myself on a strict gluten free diet. I've suspected I had a sensitivity to wheat for awhile and I'm thrilled at the results. My energy is amazing and I can finally breathe freely through my nose. I'm scouring the web for new recipes both raw and gluten free vegan, any suggestions??

I'm trying to focus on my body in a much more positive way than I ever have before. I turn 30 this year and while the number doesn't shame me or anything, I've decided that 20 years is too long to live without really living within a strong body/mind connection. I'm meditating more, starting yoga again and dancing and singing like no one is watching.  

I just finished 'The Great Gatsby' (novel) and was inspired by the final words:

 “So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.”

Now is never too late to forgive your past mistakes and live. 

  

Always tomorrow...

  I don't know if anyone else has did this but, at the begining of each year in Jr. High and High School I would come up with a theme for myself; a plan for how I wanted each year to go and how I would represent myself. The older I get the more I acknowledge that yes, teenage hood sucked but it was the time for my most creative freedom. 

  Every year before the start of term I would decide what style I would have. I'd make up outfits in my head that later I would manifest. I'd pick social goals for the year, like "I want to attend my first house party" or "I want to be in a play" or " I want my crush to think I'm sexy." I'd never have to write them down I just kept them. I'd like to get back into this habit. I'm relearning that there's nothing wrong with wanting to have goals for yourself and play with your image.

   How do you want people to see you??

  Change the way you see yourself! 

  We are all open canvases, there is no future yet there is only now and the little things that we can do for ourselves and others. Sure society or pop culture may seem like it's pressuring you to be another brick in the wall but it doesn't have to be that way. Deciding for yourself who you want to be and what you want to do (things that will make you happy not other's goals as you see them) for the next year, month or even the next day, can give you a sense of timelessness and "there's always tomorrow" that can be very refreshing and even relaxing once you get the hang of it.